Over the last few weeks, I have had conversations with several friends about how instances of unsolicited feedback resulted in the end of relationships. We also discussed how we may have shied away from feedback for fear the other person might be upset. In addition to that, I recently spoke with a client who was on the receiving end of feedback that came across, to her at least, like a hammer to the head.

Why is feedback so divisive? Why can some people take brutal honesty, and why do some need kid gloves?  The short answer: everyone is different. They have different personalities. They have different ideas about who they are or different-sized egos. Most importantly, everyone has different experiences with feedback.

Feedback takes many forms and has different connotations. However, where the trouble usually arises isn’t when we are offering positive feedback or answering a request for feedback. The problem is when we offer unsolicited constructive feedback.

There are really two parts of this feedback which create problems. First, the advice is unsolicited. The person receiving your pearl of wisdom, did not ask for it. To them, it may seem as if it came out of nowhere.

Secondly, constructive or negative feedback, by its very nature, seems to imply either ignorance or wrongdoing on their part. You are essentially asking someone to stop or tone down a behavior you believe to be ineffective, or to start or continue a behavior you believe will be effective.

It’s no wonder people immediately go on the defensive.

Set the Stage

Act 1: Why

In order to create a constructive dialogue around the feedback you have to offer, you must first recognize why you feel compelled to offer it in the first place.  In order to “set the stage” for unsolicited feedback, break down your objective into these four parts:

Intention:  

Your feedback should be motivated by one purpose only – to help.  If your intention is to tear down, hurt, or otherwise attack the other person, that is NOT feedback.

It won’t be constructive for either you or your intended target. You are better served to explore why you want to lash out at this person in the first place.

Motivation:  

What actions are you hoping they take?  If you are hoping they stop, start, or continue a certain behavior, think about why you are motivated to mention this, and think of what has motivated them in the past.  For example, to expect change by just telling them what to do or yelling at them may not be the best tactic.

Outcome: 

This is closely tied to both intention and motivation. There is a desired outcome, one that should be mutually beneficial to both parties.

Gifting:

We’ve all heard, “Feedback is a gift.”  And it truly is. To the receiver it means that someone cares enough about them and their mutual relationship to offer ways of strengthening it.

However, the giver should understand it also means that they are gifting them with advice. Like gifting someone with a present, the receiver must be willing to open, take, appreciate, and allowed to use the feedback in a way they see fit. There is a difference between the person hearing feedback and actually doing something about it.  The giver has to be okay with that or willing to have a constructive conversation about it.

Act 2: When 

In reflecting on when is best to set the stage for unsolicited feedback, I found myself resorting back to the three questions I ask potential clients to answer before I start working with them.  These questions are:

1.      Am I the type of person you are willing to work with? – Rapport

2.      Are you willing to make some change in your life? – Motivation

3.      Is now a good time to do it? – Timing

These three concepts are also applicable in assessing when to deliver your well-intended, constructive feedback. 

Rapport:

What relationship do you have with the person? A casual friendship may invite conversation at any time, but a more structured work relationship may need specific, scheduled time. Also, in knowing the receiver’s personality, they may want straight, to-the-point feedback immediately. Others will need a softer approach.

Motivation: 

Just like in Act One, the giver should consider their motivation, how to motivate the receiver, and what will motivate the receiver to hear their feedback. These are all indicators of when is appropriate to approach them with what you have to share.

Timing: 

Don’t wait too long or provide feedback in the heat of the moment. Too long and the advice may be too far removed. Too soon and the receiver may not be ready to hear it.

Timing also involves where. Where is the best place to have the conversation? Private conversations are best verses public, especially if it is unsure as to how the receiver will take the advice.  

Another aspect of timing and where is physical presence: voice-to-voice is best verses text or email; face-to-face is best over phone.  The more one-on-one the approach, the less threatening it will come off.

Act 3: How

Once the stage is set, the feedback needs to be delivered. A model I use with everyone, new managers through C-suite executive, teenagers through the elderly, even my family and children, is this:  Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI).

Situation: 

When giving feedback, first define the where and when of the situation that prompted this conversation. This puts the feedback into context and gives the receiver a specific setting as a reference.

For example:     

• “During yesterday client’s meeting, when you gave your presentation…”               

• “While we were driving to the beach last Saturday….”

Behavior: 

Describe the specific behaviors that must be addressed.

This is the most challenging part of the process. The giver communicates only the behaviors that they have observed directly. This is not about making assumptions or subjective judgments about those behaviors. If those assumption are wrong, it undermines the feedback. 

The goal is to use measurable information in describing the behavior. This helps to ensure that the comments are objective.  For example:

• “During yesterday’ client meeting, when you gave your presentation, two of your calculations were incorrect.”      

• “While we were driving to the beach last Saturday, and you made a joke about my boyfriend’s height.”

Impact:

Use an “I” statement to describe how the receiver’s action has impacted those around them. For example:         

• “During yesterday morning’s meeting, when you gave your presentation, your calculations were incorrect. I was concerned the client was not going to accept the offer.”

• “While we were driving to the beach last Saturday, and you made a joke about my boyfriend’s height. I was embarrassed that he might have overheard it and concerned that he might take offense to it.”

This SBI model works for both positive and corrective feedback, but it is particularly useful for corrective conversations. It isolates specific behaviors and shows their impact. It creates an objective topic of discussion; one that both parties can discuss honestly and effectively.

Overall, what we really want with friends, family, and co-workers is open communication. It is the key to healthy relationships.  Make feedback a regular part of that interaction, unsolicited or not.